Why I won’t be watching the World Cup Final

When Julian Alvarez created the first goal and scored the other two during Argentina’s semi-final win over Croatia, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. When Olivier Giroud became France’s all-time record goalscorer against Poland, my heart kinda bled for him. And when Livakovic dragged Croatia through round after round, my heart went out to him a little.

Because this World Cup wasn’t about them, was it?

Croatia’s (admittedly dour) semi-final run was time after time credited to Modric’s genius, despite going missing for large periods of games. The build up to England’s quarter-final with France was dominated by the question of ‘how to stop Mbappe’, even though France’s record goalscorer extended his record with the winner. You could almost hear the commentators’ throbbing erections as they verbally masturbated over Messi on what should have been Alvarez’s unveiling on the world’s biggest stage. And it pisses me off for three reasons.

The first of which I call ‘over-narrativisation’. Before Morocco were even out, BBC Sport frothily declared that the 2022 final ‘The Mbappe-Messi final’. But is it? Is it that what’s going on? Is Mbappe’s 2/10 rated semi-final performance (L’equipe) worthy of that headline? Similarly, do Argentina not make it through the rounds without their resolute defence, penalty specialist goalkeeper and, if we’re being honest with ourselves, complete shithousery?

Now I understand why this happens. The job of broadcasters and journalists is to create narratives that frame cultural events in entertaining and educational ways. But these are just frames. The problem emerges when actual events don’t really fit the lens but broadcasters unrelentingly stick to it. It would be fine to frame the matches around Messi, Mbappe or any other superstar IF they were happy to move and adapt to the actual content of the game. But they don’t.

If you’re looking for an example, let’s move to Portugal. As Ronaldo continues his transition into Ricky Lambert after a distinguished career, it is increasingly obvious that football is leaving him behind. But, instead of focusing on Portugal’s stellar midfield of Silva and Fernandes being surprisingly uncreative against Morocco, commentary focuses on Ronaldo’s absence. Even, Ramos’s hattrick can’t be spoken of without reference to him literally just not being CR7. No wonder he’s frustrated! It must have been really hard on him!

The inability to leave a narrative frame that’s served its purpose behind is a little condescending. The idea that I, or anyone else, can only enjoy the biggest sporting tournament in the world if it focuses on ‘name brand footballers’ is incredibly patronising. It’s also boring. Imagine if during France ’98 (my first World Cup) we didn’t celebrate the arrival of Michael Owen, but focused on the muted performances of Shearer. It’s not just boring, it’s a fundamental misreading of the game.

Furthermore it speaks to what I call the ‘over-individualisation’ of footballm the second reason I’m skipping the World Cup Final. Football is a team sport. To win the World Cup you need 11 players executing a coordinated plan basically perfectly. Any weak links in your team will be exploited and areas of talent deficit will hold you back.

Take Wales. In Wales third group game they were forced to field Danny Ward, a goalkeeper who is having a horror-show of a season for his domestic club Leicester, due to suspension. Two out of three of England’s goals might have been saved by a better keeper and Wales left the tournament. Or, look at Germany. Germany made the bold decision of trying to play midfielders in attack. That lack of squad balance in attack facilitated an early exit despite a squad brimming with talent, particularly in Musiala.

The focus on individual talenti is particularly frustrating when you look at some of the squad’s who have made deep runs in the tournament. Morocco’s organisation has been remarkable. They’ve been incredibly hard to break down and frustrated multiple teams full of superstars. Croatia’s defensive solidity once again pushed them deep into the tournament knock out stages, even though their striking options are worse than the average Premier League team. It could be argued that France have only made it to the final because of their midfield covering for their forward line’s inability to press, with Adrien Rabiot, of all people, shining brightly. Even ‘Messi’s Argentina’ could point to their collective ‘dark arts’ (especially against the Netherlands) and defensive solidity as a large part of their progress.

The World Cup Final poses some really interesting questions when we think of the match up as a contest between two talented teams. Off the top of my head :

• ‘Will France’s lack of forward pressing invite Argentinian pressure?’
• ‘Will France’s insistence on playing out from the back (despite a goalkeeper who can’t really do that) continue to lead to costly mistakes?’
• ‘Will Argentinian indiscipline on the field cost them in key moments?’
• ‘Will France’s height advantage pay off in set pieces?’
• ‘With such deep benches of attacking talent for both teams, will the ‘finishers’ decide the game?’
• ‘Will France’s lack of cover in wide areas pin the attack back?’
• ‘As both teams excel in transition, how will they both try to do that in the same game? Will either team attack on the front foot? Is that a good idea?’

But no it’s the Messi vs Mbappe final, regardless of what happens on the pitch. And that’s just a bit boring.

The World Cup represents a great opportunity to introduce the beautiful game to millions of casual fans. But instead of offering a variety of angles from which to enjoy and understand the game, it is reduced to like 5 demigods and a bunch of background players. Which is laaaaaaaaaaaame…..

Oh, the final reason I’m not watching is because the Messi talk is hella cringe. Anytime he gets the ball or looks at the ball or exists, the commentators get on their knees to worship at the altar of Leo. I imagine pundits are currently scouring thesaurus’ for synonyms of genius in anticipation of the Final in the vain hope senpai notices them. The analysis serves up a heady combination of bragging stage mom, unabashed lust and flat out fanaticism. It’s incredibly difficult to watch. So I won’t, personally.

If I wanted to watch a group of men toss off an Argentinian for 90 minutes, I’d do it on Pornhub, not the BBC.