This morning I woke up to a message from someone I had not spoke to in a while. The message sent at 5:35am said

“You have turned from the source of joy, life, peace. And are listening to the enemy.”

It seemed like such a weird message to send someone that early especially with no context. “What?” Was the only thing my brain could muster in response. A few hours later the person responded:

“That’s right you are listening to the voice of the devil. You have turned from God. Go back to church honey. Find Jesus.”

Oh my.

I responded “I have no other context here other than words written, so in response to that: if you want to refer to me as the devil, ok. I’d appreciate it if you’d use the proper title, it’s Madam Devil.”

After some go-go juice, let’s unpack some of this.

I would like to address this pattern of behavior that has been prevalent in my childhood years growing up in a church. Everything was the devil it seemed like. Asking too many questions, was the devil tempting me and my supposed “weak faith”. (As I got older, I learned that my questions were simply beyond their scope of understanding, and they were too afraid to address that in themselves). I have always had such a great passion for learning, and it often felt like I was being held back and told I was wrong for wanting to learn and understand things on the deepest level possible for me. (It was even more confusing to me that the words rarely matched the actions and energies).

Speaking up about abuse, or other behaviors that were hurting me or other people, was of the devil and “disrespectful” because apparently respecting my elders meant keeping my mouth shut no matter what. Addressing the way things are was the “devil’s voice”. If I communicated that something was hurting me, I was falsely told my “negative” emotions were of the devil and I need to pray it away… the list of ridiculousness is as endless as the damage was vast.

Back to the point…. Fear tactics worked on me in childhood, but after healing from growing up in this hurtful, invalidating, and often emotionally, and spiritually abusive environment, they simply don’t anymore.

If one feels the need to demand/scare people into attending church, believing in god, or in anything, then something is terribly wrong. I’m done with it. This is not ok, and after realizing the havoc it caused to my own mental health and wellbeing, I will not be silent about it anymore either.

I have been in the spiritual wilderness for well over a decade now. Most of which, up until recently, was spent alone. I know what my voice sounds like, as it was the only one there for so long. I learned so many incredible things about myself, and the power that I have. I also learned that many of those who claim these things, are usually triggered by the reality and/or unresolved emotions that have stirred inside of them.

Regardless of the reason behind them, it does not justify it. These words are incredibly hurtful, condescending, and often straight up gaslighting.

This is not love. This is manipulation. It has and is still hurting so many people. This behavior is not ok.

If speaking up and sharing my experiences to help others along their own path makes me the devil, then so be it. After being told almost everything is the devil, it doesn’t have the impact they’re hoping for. If anything, it tells me I’m on the right path, as everything I was told was the devil in childhood, were things that needed to be addressed. Nonetheless, Madam Devil does have a nice ring to it.

And to my fellow “devils”, just know that I am a safe person that you can talk about your religious traumas, and your spiritual journeys in discovering yourself along the way. Stay curious and open to learning. Much love.