The Parenting Paradox

It’s hard to believe that I have been a parent for 23 years. Yet, it feels like only yesterday I was a kid myself. I envied all the people who visited theme parks and enjoyed the many rides — from the teeter-totter to the full-scale roller coasters. I wondered why more kids than adults were seeking the thrills of the various rides.

Reflecting upon my years, I now realize that when one becomes a parent, the paradoxical nature of parenting replaces the experience of the rides at a theme park I once craved… Oh, the naivety of childhood!

As a parent and an educator for almost three decades, I have surmised that individuals who become parents see themselves as entrusted with the singular responsibility of raising a perfect child. Anything less is a mere reflection of the flaws in the parent or a reflection of their inabilities.

Parents feel responsible for everything that happens to their child. I recall when my firstborn started middle school. He would come home extremely stressed and hated going to school. As a Principal, I knew what I would do at my school. I also knew what my child’s Principal should be doing. She was an older woman who had no children of her own; I was amongst the countless people who believed that you could only parent when you become a parent. I was getting increasingly frustrated that nothing was changing for my son, and I was overcome with the intense desire to ‘fix it.’ I made an appointment with his principal to discuss my concerns. At that meeting, I learned that you don’t actually have to be a parent to be able to parent. She told me that instead of fixing it for my son, I should help him fix it himself. Only then did I realize that my need to fix my child’s world may be counterproductive. The excuses I was making to justify ‘fixing’ the situation were essentially being internalized by him. It would become a part of who he thought he was, and he would use those same excuses to avoid accountability at school and in other aspects of his life in the future.

The intellectual and practical discretion that we exercise is often abandoned upon becoming parents. What do I mean? Well, we begin to believe that any problem my child has must have a solution — and it is my moral imperative to find a solution and put it in place. Even the best pragmatists find themselves consumed with the need to fix their child’s world. We spend the rest of our lives trying to fix things, making parenting more cumbersome than it needs to be. We have embraced the notion that everything is fair in love and war. However, when it comes to our children, this maturity fails us. Our overarching love for our children is the impetus for our desire to suspend all rules of human existence. We wish to shelter our children from any woes and pains, physical or emotional.

When one imposes the unmitigated responsibility of perfect parenting on themselves, it results in a tremendous amount of guilt, anxiety, and stress. Fear of a child being ill, being bullied, or not experiencing success in school are just a few of the fears we parents impose upon ourselves. Not being able to control any of it, being anything less than a perfect parent, is debilitating. Many of us find ourselves riding the roller coaster of “I am a good parent” and “I don’t know what I am doing.” The physical exhaustion of being a parent, coupled with the emotional drain, is compounded by the insane belief that it is entirely in MY power as a parent to create a perfect world for my child.

Every parent I know began their parenting journey believing that it would be different for their child. The incessant motivation and drive to do the job as a parent completely consume us. The ideology of perfect parenting then becomes: All I have to do is do my job properly. And I must do my job better than other parents to give my child an added advantage. Simply put, all I have to do is be the perfect parent!

I am blessed with a role model in my own mother, who is wise beyond books and theoretical knowledge. I have also learned from peers and friends who are wonderful parents in their own rights. However, what has shaped and enabled me to embrace my parenting journey and abandon this paradoxical pursuit of perfect parenting is the privilege and the blessing of having a parenting role model in Pramukh Swami Maharaj.

Pramukh Swami Maharaj, my Guru, was and continues to be that person for me. While he was not a parent in the traditional sense, he continues to act as a parent to countless. His relationship with every individual was unique. Rooted in understanding, his parenting style catered to each individual’s personality and needs. He had an amazing ability to listen, comfort, and encourage. He had this ability to hold you accountable but gently guiding and steering you; to help you see your own strengths and capitalize on the strengths of others. He had the ability to empower but also to lift you up. And he did this so naturally. He was unburdened by the “what ifs” of life and free from the desires of perfectional pursuits. He did everything with God and his Gurus at the forefront and thus never felt the pressures of any relationship. These are among his numerous parenting traits that I have experienced since childhood. It is his parenting and guidance that have shaped me to become the person and the parent that I am today.

I recall the time when I was in flux about my career trajectory. Swami’s simple guidance for me to pursue a career that would allow me to interact with children and enable me to focus on my parenting in later years — specifically a career in teaching- has become among the many rewarding experiences in my life!

When my son entered high school, I was filled with tremendous anxiety and stress. Applying to various high schools was exhausting, let alone the choice of programs. So, after the application process was completed, we decided to consult Pramukh Swami Maharaj. It was during one of those encounters, Swamiji advised my son to simply attend his local high school and forgo the other prestigious programs. While a difficult pill to swallow, Swami’s innate ability inspired confidence in my son to decline other programs and attend his local high school. He achieved top honors and became valedictorian of his graduating class. Today, he continues to experience success beyond what would have been had he, or I, made the decision ourselves.

I could recount many such encounters where Pramukh Swami has stepped in, directly or indirectly, to help shape my parenting journey.

During such ambivalent parenting moments, I have only had to look at Pramukh Swami Maharaj’s way of approaching situations. From him, I have learned that something as simple as teaching our children social etiquette or helping them choose appropriate friends, to something complex such as moving away from home — and anything in between — is all manageable. And contrary to common experiences, the journey can become rewarding and joyful. How, you might ask? Through Ghar Sabha!

The concept of Ghar Sabha, or daily home assembly where all family members gather to connect, was an initiative introduced by Pramukh Swami. Through this medium, my children and I were able to transcend traditional roles and build an emotional connection rooted in trust and respect.

Because of Ghar Sabha, I have come to accept, appreciate, and embrace that my children have also taught me many life lessons. They have taught me to be patient. They have taught me to forgive myself for being less than a perfect parent. They have taught me to think differently. I have often guiltily questioned my efforts toward raising conscientious, caring, and honest children.

The ups and downs of being a parent are fundamentally linked to us playing the role of a parent. Since every human being experiences the “ups and downs of their own,” all that emanates from them is equally unstable. It is this paradoxical nature of parenting that creates discomfort, anxiety, and exhaustion. The overwhelming questions often cloud our ability to simply trust our intuition. It is time we embraced the parenting paradox, abandoned the desire for perfection, and let the journey unfold!

Visualizing a future for your child is a natural part of being a parent. You imagine what their married life may look like, their career, where they might live, and so on. But perhaps this poses an opportunity to reflect: how different does your life look from how you may have imagined it as a child? While it is healthy to envision a successful life for your child, it is far more significant to support them in building the best versions of themselves that they can possibly be.

Pramukh Swami Maharaj has helped me realize and accept that being a parent is filled with many complex woes and equally mysterious marvels, miseries, and all the emotions in between. Along the parenting journey, one comes to appreciate that as much as it is tedious and depleting, it is also an extremely exciting and rewarding experience.

In the meantime, I have learned to celebrate the small successes of being a parent each day. Through Ghar Sabha, I continue to build strong connections with my children and learn that parenting is easier, and children thrive better when supported by others besides just me and my husband. The ancient communal proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child,” is worthy of contemplation, as it helps raise a child around the values and morals of the proverbial village beyond the nuclear family.

Aarti Patel, Elementary School Principal
Toronto, Canada