Romance and Relationship: Revisited (With No Added Experience).

Almost exactly four years ago, I wrote about Romance and Relationship, from the perspective of ‘the most single person ever.’ It’s a little embarrassing, but honest as always and ultimately ended on a nice, empowering note. Since then, life went on, and here I am, nearly twenty-five where so much and yet so little has changed. So here I am, revisiting the same concepts, without added experience except maybe an added mild annoyance.

Four years later, it’s harder to escape the topic of relationships. In a time where more of my friends are in serious and steady relationships and a time where acquaintances started to get married, sometimes I get disheartened by seeing my own lack of progress and experience. It’s harder to escape talks of this topic when you’re at the age with a lot of familial and societal expectations on your shoulders.

The thing is, sometimes I don’t even know if I actually want a relationship. To me, everything feels grey, I can’t know what I wan’t if I don’t have any idea what kind of things that are available for me out there. Most of the time I recognize what I feel as a Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) symptom, and I dislike the feeling of being left out of this grandeur experience of loving and being loved back. I don’t like being out of my depth when I hang out and people start talking about relationship issues and I can’t offer a similar story. It’s not just because I’m single, but because I’ve only ever been single.

In correlation, I dislike how thinking about my lack of romance causes issues I thought I’ve dealt with to re-emerge. I thought I’m already over my old insecurities, like being undesirable and unwanted hence no one is attracted to me. I’m over it, I am. But sometimes I just can’t help myself from thinking that way, because it’s the easiest reason my brain can come up with.

But as I grow older and more mature, I realize my biggest issue with Romance and Relationship is this: when certain expectations are so normalized in society, it turns out to be an unshakeable path I’m supposed to take. Like being in a relationship is the default for everyone, and hence we all should strive towards it at one point or another. And this entire culture makes it more difficult to consider other alternatives like, what if I’m just not attracted romantically or sexually to other people? I spent a couple of years having intense internal debate on this, and my status quo right now is just to be open to possibilities.

So I don’t like it when people try to comfort me by saying “maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet.” I know it’s well-meaning and is supposed to be a reassurance, but it’s another reminder that people think it’s a natural course of life to just “find” someone for you. Because if that’s really the case, then I want to feel entitled to receive what I have never received. In my piece four years ago I wrote about how I have so much love in me and I will be patient. Well, in that case, universe, tick tock?

I realize I have always felt that way about the concept of romance, but when you’re 24 instead of 21, there is this added annoyance. Because you get reminded all the time about how you’re “supposed” to find someone and get serious. You already have a career, it’s time to think about marriage. You’re getting older, you don’t want to be a parent when you’re already too old, do you? You’re smart and independent, but when will you settle down? My 24 years old self is angrier and a lot less optimistic done compared to my 20 years old self.

To be fair, I don’t “fall in love” that much. Sure, in the four years window between my aforementioned writing and this one, I’ve had several crushes. I even have a crush right now*. It’s just, quoting my best friend, I’m good at being an admirer, but not at “wanting.” The Indonesian term she used was “rasa ingin memiliki,” which I struggle translating. But it’s true: when I like someone, I don’t expect them to reciprocate. Admittedly deep down I’m wired to think that it’s not possible for them to like someone like me, and I don’t make any effort to pursue them whatsoever. I’m mostly content just admiring from afar, because I don’t really have the confidence to attempt anything either. But with all the expectations and reflections from people around me and their relationship, it starts to feel like I need to act on my feelings, which leads me to be cross with myself because I can’t do that.

Full disclosure, I want to know how it feels like to have A Person in a specifically non-platonic way. But I want it to be socially acceptable to not have that Person, by choice or otherwise.

I want comfortable companionship and someone to rant to about a long day I just had. But I want it to be okay too if I get all that from a platonic setting.

I want for once to experience what it feels like when someone I like, likes me back. But I want it to not be weird when I tell people things like that never happened to me.

All in all, I want someone to love me so much that they would love to just do laundry and file taxes with me in another life. But I want to want it because I genuinely want it, not because the world tells me I’m supposed to want it.

Quoting this insane line from ’Everything, Everywhere, All At Once,’ because i love it so much (see? im not a heartless anti-romantic).

[End.]

*p.s. yes, i currently have a big, debilitating, embarrassing crush on someone, and no i don’t talk regularly with this person and i’m too lame to attempt anything please leave me be thanks ;_;