Change: a daughter’s perspective

Before 7 am. The payphone on the landing at the student flats was ringing and ringing. It woke me up and I could not ignore it. Something in its insistent tone prompted me to drag myself out of bed, grab my keys to venture out through the hall and up the stairs to answer it…

“Hello?”

And then my world collapsed.

On the other end of the line was my mum, with a small, strangled voice, telling me that the hospital had just called. Dad had died in the night. Heart attack. Apparently this was the second one, the first having been a few days earlier, but due to my impending final exams they “hadn’t wanted to bother me” as they so wanted me to do well...

The next few days and weeks went by in a swirl of unreality. The funeral and the exams just happened. The only person that made any sense in the blur was a dear fellow student friend who had lost his own father the year before. Everyone else was at a loss at what to say. How could you know what that really felt like or what to say?

Today is the anniversary of that phone call.

Even now, many years later, I cannot even write these words without dissolving into tears. I still miss him. A brilliant, unique, but often-difficult man. He was tough to live with, had suffered plenty of his own unbelievable life challenges and was absolutely one of the rocks my early life was built on. I choose to look back on the positive things — a love of comedy, of sport, of music and of animals: all things that are deeply important to me still today.

I am no different to anyone else: we all have hard knocks dealt to us by life. This was the first in my life that was truly seismic however. But even this hardest of knocks, although as overwhelming as a tsunami, taught me by degrees that it is possible to survive just about anything, move forward and even be stronger for it.

Somewhat ironically, several things about my Dad have helped me and this is what I wanted to share:

1) Attitude is everything

Starting at just 15 years old when he ran away to the navy, Dad then had three separate and very different careers, bringing his originality, resilience and brilliance to all of them. Even in his forced early retirement he was still applying his scientific mind to all sorts of intellectual challenges despite failing health stopping him from doing more.

In fact Dad’s own lived experiences showed me the way that life can be viewed as a series of adventures or a series of irretrievable disasters. It just depends on the way you view and react to events. Think about riding that roller coaster and screaming with excitement at every turn or cowering in the corner, perhaps being violently sick.

The real lesson and driver for me is to keep pushing forward and creating those experiences to see where it is possible to go, whether ending up loving them or learning from them — even if that is simply that you never want to get on another roller coaster again!

2) Embrace change

Change happens. It happens in all of our lives, in both personal and professional situations and there is a lot to be said by just going with the flow.

When I was just 10 years old my family upped sticks and emigrated to Australia, a dream long held by my Dad to go home to the land of his birth. I was so sad to leave my childhood life, friends and pets behind. However, that long voyage opened my eyes to so many amazing things in the world. It was also the start of me learning how to let go and see the positives in most situations. Never easy though…and I certainly lost sight of this for quite a while when I first lost my Dad. Tsunamis have a knack of wiping everything out.

However, a few short years later in my twenties, I found myself a rookie new manager in a wildly growing new business with stretch targets. Like my problem-solving Dad, I along with my team, needed a method to get my head around it all and make it through successfully...

Thankfully I came across a research-backed model that made so much sense: The Change Curve was a revelation to me and pretty self-explanatory. What a brilliant way to understand the roller-coaster of life!

The key is to go with the ride. Know especially that the lows, however deep, long and painful, are a bitterly necessary part of the process. They can even make coming back up the other side better. Take the time you need. Wallow a little if you must. Just try not to get stuck. If you do, then that is when to reach out for help.

3) Appreciate the good things: find your inspiration and salve

Be inspired by something. Have something which will lift you in the worst moments.

Somehow Dad had found his solace in classical music, and as a child I loved to sit and listen to him playing his prized possession, his piano. He had a real talent.

Like for him and for many, music has always punctuated my life. Life events, whether good, bad or ugly, tend to co-exist with a little signature tune, however rubbish that may actually be. Then, on hearing these various tunes being played at the time or even much later I either reflect, wallow a bit longer or just sing along. Let’s call it a way of being mindful.… Although here is where I admit that, for me, these tunes range from the iconic David Bowie’s “Changes” all the way downhill to “Tubthumping, I get knocked down” by Chumbawamba. Although the links are here there is no obligation to listen!

My life has led me in so many directions I simply could not have imagined when I received that phone call all those years ago. Later this year he would have celebrated his 100th birthday. However, he did not need that long to leave his indelible mark. I’d like to think Dad would be happy to realise that I did listen to some things he said and learn from them. The poem I found in his wallet after his death sums it up quite well — it was Zane Gray’s “Recipe for Greatness” that you can read here. My takeaways are to live by your values, be resilient and know that even in the smallest things you can still rock!