Published in Doctor Funny·7 hours agoMember-onlyI Saw My Ma Kissing Santa ClausBut she didn’t stop there . . . — Dr. Pinkerton’s Office, LMHC. 105 Squire Rd, Revere, MA. 2:30pm on the last Tuesdays before Christmas. Client: Charlie Doyle. “So this big fat guy comes down our chimney, right? Big gut on him, probably ten days shy of a massive coronary event, got this red suit all covered in soot…Satire4 min readSatire4 min read
Published in Globetrotters·1 day agoMember-onlyThe Final AscentIf I ascend, everything is uncertain — Kilimanjaro is colorless. It’s as if the full moon is looking in a mirror, casting its reflection onto the ground, making a moon out of the surface of the earth. It is nothing but grey rock and glaciers from here to heaven. Life stops at sixteen thousand feet, but in…Kilimanjaro5 min readKilimanjaro5 min read
Published in Pure Fiction·3 days agoMember-onlyThe ConfessionA Walsh and Abrams story — This is the first chapter of a book I wrote about a pair of bumbling federal agents named Walsh and Abrams, who stumble into an unconventional Tennessean cult that might be a bunch of harmless hippies, but might also be an American terrorist cell. ConfessionFiction7 min readFiction7 min read
Published in The Haven·6 days agoMember-onlyWorld Cup CEO Downplays Death of Worker“Death is a natural part of life” A Filipino man in his early 40s died in a forklift accident at the Sealine Beach resort in Qatar, the venue used by the Saudi Arabia team. …World Cup3 min readWorld Cup3 min read
Published in Doctor Funny·Dec 9Member-onlyIndonesia Bans Sex Outside MarriageI’m way ahead of you — Indonesia’s parliament has just outlawed sex outside of marriage, and that rule will apply to everyone who enters the country, including tourists. Those found in defiance of the law can face up to a year in an Indonesian prison. When I went to Bali eight years ago, sex outside of…Travel4 min readTravel4 min read
Published in Everything Fun·Dec 8Member-onlyScooby Doo and Miley Cyrus TooThe mystery of the stolen taco — It was Friday. We were standing next to the taco stand on Fifth and Who Gives a Fudge when a terrible affront to all that is decent and delectable occurred. “Hey! Who stole my taco?” I had only set my Taco Al Pastor with pineapple, rhubarb, and squid ink down…Mystery5 min readMystery5 min read
Published in Globetrotters·Dec 7Member-onlyClimbing Kilimanjaro with ClaireThe only woman on our expedition — I can hear her breathing. I hate when I can hear somebody breathing. Especially when I’m trying to sleep. I grew up with snorers — three brothers and a father whose combined witching hour wheezings sounded like a midnight lumber mill. I despise a loud sleeper. We are a few…Kilimanjaro4 min readKilimanjaro4 min read
Published in Open Letters To·Dec 5Member-onlyAn Open Letter to the Eiffel TowerAbout as special as a ten-ounce rat — Dear Eiffel, I confess, the first time I laid eyes on you, I fell in love. There you were, casting gold into that purple night, standing head, shoulders, chest, bellybutton, and labia above the City of Lights. …Open Letter3 min readOpen Letter3 min read
Published in The Haven·Dec 2Member-onlyHarry & Meghan Trailer Drops“No one sees what’s happening behind closed doors” — Move over Jeffrey Dahmer! There’s a brand new smash hit coming up on Netflix. This time, it’s a documentary about two of the richest, most privileged cunts this world has ever known complaining about oppression and inequality! But don’t worry: they’re doing it on your behalf, you stupid peasants.Royalty3 min readRoyalty3 min read
Published in Doctor Funny·Dec 1Member-onlyTell Your Coworker to F**K OffWithout offending the party that best be f**king off — Dear Sir or Madam, I am simply beside myself as I attempt to apprise you of a fallacy in your frank, half-thought-through perspective. It seems your musings and pronouncements — and all other considerations that leap forth from the folds of membranous tissue projecting inward from the sides of your…Satire2 min readSatire2 min read